JOHN OSWALD MuGUFFIN he wanted to die
  'Nd bring his career to an end;
Of course, well—he didn't say nothin' to me—
  But that's what he told every friend.
So one afternoon he went down to the pier,
'Nd folks saw him actin' most terribly queer;
He prayed 'nd he sung, put his hand up to cough
An' every one thought he was a-goin to jump off—
  But he didn't.
  He may jump tomorrer
  Mornin' at ten—
  Said he was goin' to
  Try it again—
  But then.

John Oswald he said he was tired of the earth—
  Of its turmoil and struggle and strife—
'Nd he made up his mind a long, long time ago
  He was just bound t' take his own life ;
'Nd the very next time 'at he started to shave,
Determined to die, he wus goin' t' be brave;
So he stood up 'nd flourished the knife in despair
'Nd every one thought 'at he'd kill himself there—
  But he didn't.
  He says 'at tomorrer
  Mornin' at ten
  He has a notion to
  Try it again—
  But then.

He went and bought arsenic, bought paris green,
  'Nd cobalt 'nd all kinds of stuff
'Nd he took great delight in leaving it 'round—
  Of course that was done for a bluff—
Then he rigged up his room with a horrible thing,
That would blow his head off by pullin' a string.
Folks heard the explosion—rushed up—on his bed
John Oswald was lyin'. They whispered, "He's dead."
  But he wasn't,
  He riz up 'nd said:
  Could n't say when
  He'd fully decide to
  Try it again
  But then.